I've had a gray stripe on my right index finger for the past 2 weeks. At first I thought maybe I had hit it on something, or maybe it was ink? But, days passed and it was still there. And now I have two more wider stripes on my left thumb.
After consulting dr. Google (which I know is very, very dangerous), turns out I may have a very rare form of melanoma called Subungal Acral Letiginous Melanoma. It is a very aggressive and deadly form of melamona (not related to sun exposure). It is more prevalent among Asians and African Americans. Apparently, Bob Marley passed from this cancer at the age of 36 after being misdiagnosed.
Of course, being pregnant with hormones galore, I'm terrified this is what I have. I brought my nails to my doctor's attention this week, He didn't seem concerned, but did admit its not a 'normal' pregnancy thing. I got a referral to a dermatologist, and will hopefully get answers soon. I'm pretty sure I'm not a good candidate for a biopsy at 8 months pregnant, so I may have to wait for a definitive answer. Seems like anything else in life, not knowing is the worst!
It's going to be a long 5-6 weeks...
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
It's been quite a year.
This past year has been tough to say the least. I suffered a very painful miscarriage, immediately followed by a bout of Bell's Palsy. I spent the night in the ER while doctors ran a battery of tests to make sure I hadn't suffered a seizure. The entire right side of my face was paralyzed. I had already been depressed for a few days following the miscarriage, but now I had literally lost my ability to smile. The ER doc said, 'pregnancy is a disease', that I may have a blood clotting disorder (which could have caused the miscarriage and stroke). I spent the next 12 hours not knowing if my brain was permanently damaged. I reached out to one of my best friends, and she completely let me down. She couldn't even pick up the phone to see how I was doing. And my husband was out of town for business for 5 long weeks while this was all happening...
Thankfully, the Bell's Palsy cleared up in 6 weeks (I've read horrible stories of people suffering for years). Six weeks still felt like an eternity. I couldn't drive. I had to manually close my eye all the time or else tape it shut so it wouldn't dry up. It was painful and damn near impossible to eat as my tongue felt fat and numb like after a trip to the dentist. The oral steroids made me ravenous, but I couldn't taste anything, bit my tongue half the time, and my jaw wore out quickly. Drinking out of a cup was impossible. I had to use a straw, manually closing my lips with my fingers to get enou My ears were so sensitive. It was like every sound was amplified through a blow horn. I never knew my ears could experience such pain. And, I was tired. So tired. I didn't want to go out in public either. I was a severe side talker, and I had a lisp. My right eye wouldn't blink either. I felt like a freak.
Once my husband finally returned home, I fell pregnant again only to miscarry again. With my husband traveling so much for work, and my ever growing fears of infertility, I was doubtful we'd ever get pregnant again, but miraculously we conceived in October. And, we finally got a sticky baby.
Celebrating these pregnancies and mourning the subsequent losses has given me a lot of time to think about what it's like to lose a child. I know I never got to hold my lost babies, but I still feel and mourn their absence. Now, at 34 weeks pregnant, I really have no idea how a mother could give her child to a stranger (let alone a stranger in another country halfway around the globe) to raise. I have loved this baby from the moment I got a positive home pregnancy test. I feared losing her like the others, but now I feel how strong she is, kicking and squirming. I cannot wait to meet her and love her in all the ways my birth mother couldn't love me.
I've also been dealing with gestational diabetes since week 13 in my pregnancy (tested early due to my 'advanced maternal age'). I have no choice but to put the health of my little one first. I test my blood sugars 4x/day, eat on a schedule, weigh every protein and carb I eat, inject insulin into my belly every night, walk for 20-30 minutes immediately after every meal to combat rising blood sugars, eat more protein than I thought humanly possible, and choose my carbs very very carefully. Eating out is impossible, and there is an ever growing list of foods I can't eat. It's not easy.
Plus, every nurse and doctor asks me if I have a history of diabetes in my family. I tell them I don't know, that I'm adopted. I asked my pcp to put that in my file as I'm sick and tired of being asked about my family health history, but apparently medical professionals are too busy to read. So, I have to repeat this at every appointment (twice a week). It wears on me.
Anyway, having to think about the health of my baby 24/7 further cements my love and dedication to this life growing inside of me. My birth mother carried me inside of her for 9 months. I wonder if she had gestational diabetes. I wonder if she loved me then like I love my daughter now. And, I wonder what changed that she couldn't care for me anymore...I'm preventing myself from going down that rabbit hole. It's just too much to bear. So, for now, I'm taking this pregnancy one meal, one finger poke, and one insulin injection at a time.
Thankfully, the Bell's Palsy cleared up in 6 weeks (I've read horrible stories of people suffering for years). Six weeks still felt like an eternity. I couldn't drive. I had to manually close my eye all the time or else tape it shut so it wouldn't dry up. It was painful and damn near impossible to eat as my tongue felt fat and numb like after a trip to the dentist. The oral steroids made me ravenous, but I couldn't taste anything, bit my tongue half the time, and my jaw wore out quickly. Drinking out of a cup was impossible. I had to use a straw, manually closing my lips with my fingers to get enou My ears were so sensitive. It was like every sound was amplified through a blow horn. I never knew my ears could experience such pain. And, I was tired. So tired. I didn't want to go out in public either. I was a severe side talker, and I had a lisp. My right eye wouldn't blink either. I felt like a freak.
Once my husband finally returned home, I fell pregnant again only to miscarry again. With my husband traveling so much for work, and my ever growing fears of infertility, I was doubtful we'd ever get pregnant again, but miraculously we conceived in October. And, we finally got a sticky baby.
Celebrating these pregnancies and mourning the subsequent losses has given me a lot of time to think about what it's like to lose a child. I know I never got to hold my lost babies, but I still feel and mourn their absence. Now, at 34 weeks pregnant, I really have no idea how a mother could give her child to a stranger (let alone a stranger in another country halfway around the globe) to raise. I have loved this baby from the moment I got a positive home pregnancy test. I feared losing her like the others, but now I feel how strong she is, kicking and squirming. I cannot wait to meet her and love her in all the ways my birth mother couldn't love me.
I've also been dealing with gestational diabetes since week 13 in my pregnancy (tested early due to my 'advanced maternal age'). I have no choice but to put the health of my little one first. I test my blood sugars 4x/day, eat on a schedule, weigh every protein and carb I eat, inject insulin into my belly every night, walk for 20-30 minutes immediately after every meal to combat rising blood sugars, eat more protein than I thought humanly possible, and choose my carbs very very carefully. Eating out is impossible, and there is an ever growing list of foods I can't eat. It's not easy.
Plus, every nurse and doctor asks me if I have a history of diabetes in my family. I tell them I don't know, that I'm adopted. I asked my pcp to put that in my file as I'm sick and tired of being asked about my family health history, but apparently medical professionals are too busy to read. So, I have to repeat this at every appointment (twice a week). It wears on me.
Anyway, having to think about the health of my baby 24/7 further cements my love and dedication to this life growing inside of me. My birth mother carried me inside of her for 9 months. I wonder if she had gestational diabetes. I wonder if she loved me then like I love my daughter now. And, I wonder what changed that she couldn't care for me anymore...I'm preventing myself from going down that rabbit hole. It's just too much to bear. So, for now, I'm taking this pregnancy one meal, one finger poke, and one insulin injection at a time.
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