a new opportunity

i've been looking for a job the past few months without much luck or success.  people aren't hiring and if they are, they want you for pennies on the dollar.  it actually 'pays' to be young and inexperienced in this market - i'm pretty sure i was overqualified for the last job i was turned down from.  

anyway, i applied to this one job on a whim.  it wasn't my 'dream job' but in this economy, any job is a 'dream job' i suppose.  and, at the very least, it's related to my career.  so, the company responded instantaneously to my application.  and after a series of interviews spanning two weeks and more than 10 hours, i've finally been offered the job.  

i suppose i would be crazy not to accept the position.  

working would allow my husband and i to more easily afford a house.  

it would potentially help me feel better connected to the community.  

and it would keep my mind and body occupied.

i've found that left to my own devices, my mind goes to the 'dark places' and forces me to confront all the things i've neglected over the years, especially the things related to my adoption.  these 'dark places' are so scary i've gone to great lengths to avoid them, mostly through over-scheduling myself with work (even work that sucks cause it's easier to be unhappy with a job than have to deal with anything 'real').  

i've been without a 'real job' for 7 months.  the 'dark places' are still there, but they're no longer pitch black or thick as tar.  

they're more gray and fluid and not nearly as scary. 

i'm no longer afraid to be unemployed or without a crazy schedule.

i'm no longer afraid of the quiet and still places.  

the 'old me' would have jumped on the job - it's no wonder i've had so many bad ones...  

this 'new me' can take the time to see the job as more than just filled time and space.  

granted, the crap economy will likely factor in my decision, but at least it's not about running from myself. 

easter

it's easter sunday and i had to work this morning as a host/wine shop person.  i spotted way more asian people today that i've seen in the past few months collectively, so the hope i got from seeing them makes us for having to work on a holiday (though my husband is working 18+ hours today, so i wasn't exactly busy anyhow).

anyway, one of these 'spotted' asians entered with five caucasians.  the group was told by a fellow host their table was being set so they would have to wait a couple of minutes.  there were four of us working at the host station (i was the only asian)- the asian guy turns to me (not the other host who had initially checked him in), stares me down for a second and asks, 'don't you know who i am?' and then abruptly turns his back to me to share with his friends just loud enough for me to hear, 'i don't make action films for nothing.  don't they know who i am?'.

i had no clue who this guy was.  i didn't really care.  i don't give a shit if you're some hot shot actor, producer, or just crazy rich.  in my perfect world, i would get to treat everyone the same. but in the hospitality industry, VIP's exist...so, the reservation, made via opentable, said nothing about him. the reservation was not even made under his name.  i relayed this incident to the floor managers and one of them commented that it sounded like 'reverse' racism, which she went on to say is the worst and most prevalent kind.  i don't disagree.  i felt like i was being held to a different standard because he was some famous asian person and i was asian, so (obviously) i should know who he is.  

anyway, the manager approached his table and said, 'you look familiar.  have i seen you in something?' - subtle, no?  he responded that he worked on 'the tuxedo'.  after googling a few obvious choices from the films credits, we discovered he does the choreography for all the jackie chan movies. how the heck would i know that???!!?  i'm not an avid action film viewer. sure, if he were jackie chan, i would have recognized him - i do watch enough tv/movies to have seen a jackie chan movie promo.  but the choreographer? whatever...and who the heck toots his own horn in such a rude way - on freaking EASTER SUNDAY no less!  

it gets even better.  the table stayed for almost 3 hours (an eternity really) and on their way out, one of the friends said, 'that's the movie star'.  no wonder the guy's ego is so inflated...

*****

so, there was another asian incident during brunch today.  a stick thin 'fierce' looking asian came in with her older caucasian boyfriend.  she was wearing platform black stilettos, a tight fitting white mini mini mini dress, big dark sunglasses, an asymmetrical bob, and carrying a large louis vuitton bag.  when we greeted her at the host stand, she did not give any sign that she had even seen or heard us.  we were outright ignored.  she 'reacted' the same way when we bid her adieu. later, my husband who works in the kitchen, asked me if i'd seen her.  he said all the waiters and bussers were talking about her and how hot she was.  

...that's just what asian women need - a person like her to perpetuate the stereotype of asian women as 'exotic' arm candy...  

*****  

for the record, there were several asian guests who were all very polite and friendly with normal sized egos.  thank goodness for them.

lay's commercial - am i reading too much into it?

actually, i'm pretty sure i am.  so please just bear with me as i read too much into an american junk food commercial.

living in the 'country' has made me hyperaware of my color. 

the commercial shows a yellow blob character walking through town looking sad as everyone else around him is green and happy.  anyway, the blob passes by a blue blob that is also sad. when they overlap, they turn green just like all the other blobs.  yes, it's a lesson in primary color mixing and a social commentary (singles are sad, couples are happy - in lay's case chips and dip individually are sad but together they're happy and green...), but i saw it as a racial commentary as well. i couldn't help it.  i'm yellow just like the sad yellow blob (and everyone around me is white).  basically, if you look different, you'll be unhappy.  

for the record i'm not unhappy because i look different.  as i get older, i'm actually learning to accept and even embrace my physical self .

eta:  i forgot the craziest part of the commercial.  the yellow blob guy goes into a paint shop and paints himself green!  he's happy for a second, but then the paint falls off and he's sad again. (i know i've tried to 'paint' myself a different color - it didn't work too well for me either). 

then he finds the blue guy...

feeling asian in napa?

i went to the city yesterday to run some errands, indulged in some yummy asian food on clement street, and bought some gochoojang at the korean market (i'm not a super fan of korean food but i do like the spicy pepper paste).  i saw hundreds of asian people in the few short hours i was there.  it was great. but at the same time, it wasn't.

i've been complaining to friends and family that i'm 'lucky' to see one other asian a day up here in napa.  and, to be surrounded by asian people again in the city was like breathing a sigh a relief - i could blend in and wander the streets anonymously!  not one person did a double take or asked me about my english.  it was a 'luxury' i've been living without the last 6 months.

but, at the same time, being around all those asian people while they were buying their asian groceries and speaking their native languages made me realize just how un-asian i am.  and, conversely, living in napa has strangely made me feel more asian that i really am...living surrounded by white people i suppose does that to a yellow girl...

i felt this when i first travelled in korea a few years ago.  all at once, i was in a sea of people who looked just like me.  and, all at once i was surrounded by people with whom i had nothing in common.  i didn't share their language, their culture, their food, their fashion sense - nothing.  i wasn't too surprised to feel that way in korea, but i never imagined i would feel like that in california.

i am not alone!!!

i went to my first knitting group tonight.  i was a bit nervous as i had a not so savory experience at the local yarn shop a couple of months ago...the women knitting in the shop and the woman who owned the shop weren't very welcoming to put it lightly..

anyway, everyone was very friendly  and i was instantly relieved to see two hispanic women in the group (the rest were white) as the 'world' i live in here seems to be 99.9% white.  one of these hispanic women asked me how i liked napa.  i told the group that i liked the easy parking, not getting parking tickets, the lack of traffic, and the wide aisles in the grocery markets. but, i also told them i was still adjusting to the lack of cultural diversity...before i could say another word, the woman who asked me the question interjected, 'napa is very white'.  i wanted to jump up and hug her for saying that.

ever since we moved here, every white person who has asked me how i like napa (and who has received essentially the same reply i gave at the knitting group tonight) has vehemently denied the lack of diversity.  one woman even went so far as to say she knew a TON of asians and that i just wasn't hanging out at the right spots.  she also added that they were 'punk rock, gang bangers'...i have yet to see any 'punk rock, gang banger' asians here or anywhere for that matter, but again i suppose i'm not hanging out at the right spots.

so, you can imagine i've been wondering if i've been imagining the lack of diversity.  most any place will be less diverse than the city, and maybe napa is diverse for a city its size.  and, maybe i'm just being overly critical/sensitive as i've lived in major cities for the last decade.  well, googling 'napa demographics' quantifies and supports my observations.  and, for a hispanic woman (who is a member of the second largest racial group in napa) to say 'napa is very white' says something.    

it's not like i had exclusively asian friends or only hung out at asian establishments when i lived in the city.  i guess i miss being able to wander the city and run my errands, blending anonymously into the people around me.  and, now more than ever before i feel like a true minority.  i suppose it wouldn't be so bad without the stares and people questioning my ability to speak english, but even so, i wonder if i'll ever feel comfortable enough to call napa (or anywhere else) my 'home'.

fyi-according to the 2006 census 2.71% of napa is asian and 90.11% white.

     -according to the 2007 census 33.1% of san francisco is asian and 45% white.

"you have to know the past to understand the present" - dr. carl sagan

 the merriam-webster dictionary defines survivor as:

1.  to remain alive or in existence : live on

2.  to continue to function or prosper

3.  to continue to exist or live after...

4.  to continue to prosper or live despite...

over the years, people have told me repeatedly that i am a 'survivor', that i'm stronger than i think, that my life has meaning and purpose (or else i'd be dead or still living in korea - as if my life wouldn't have purpose or meaning if i wasn't adopted...this pisses me off more than anything, but that's another post altogether).

so, i guess i am a survivor according to (at least) definitions 1 and 2.  

i am alive.  

i exist.  

i function. 

but what about 3 and 4?  

i exist and live after/despite the traumatic experience of being transnationally/culturally/racially adopted.  but i have no knowledge of the circumstances of that adoption.  

i've read several scientifically based reports that support the idea that our minds protect ourselves from trauma - that our minds will effectively hide the truth from us so that we will not remember a traumatic event at all or will only remember portions (e.g. childhood abuse, rape, etc.) because if we did remember all the gory details, we wouldn't be able to cope (or survive).  the fact that i can't remember anything about the first five years of my life fascinates me.  ive read that other adoptees have no memories of their lives prior to adoption, even those who were adopted at an older age - 7, 8, or even 9 years old.  was it all so traumatic that our memories have been wiped clean?  

so, since i am a survivor of adoption, what is my prognosis for healing?  if i don't exactly know what is inflicting my pain, how can i effectively get better?  if my parents abandoned me, then i'd be dealing with abandonment issues.  but what if they died? then i'd be dealing with grief.  

and, since they are for all intents and purposes 'dead' to me, aren't i dealing with grief regardless??  and, what if i was 'sold' - really sold like so many children trafficked around the world, then i'd be dealing with a whole other set of trauma.  there is an abyss of possibilities. 

i guess my point is, since i have no way of really knowing specifically what it is i'm a survivor of, i'm at a loss of how to focus my healing and so i find myself exploring any and all possibilities. it's probably not the healthiest thing to do, but if a man were rolled into an e.r., only able to tell the nurses and doctors that he was in pain with no visual injuries, and he couldn't remember anything about how he got there or even his medical history, the e.r. staff would have to run a battery of tests to see what was going on inside.  right?  in a similar way, i suppose i'm running those tests/trying to treat possible ailments as best i can, though my test results are inconclusive.  if only i could go to an e.r., if only my pain, my diagnosis could be so cut and dry...

i want to know my past.  

i want to understand the present.  

i am not clinging to my past, just trying to know it.  it's a basic human right, no? 

i want to know my date of birth.  

i want to know who i was born to. 

i want to know where i was born.  

i want to know the name given to me at birth.

i want to know if my family loved me.  

i want to know how it was i came to live halfway around the world from where i started life.  

i want to know the things (i cannot remember) that contributed to the person i am today.  

is that too much to ask?