1 + 1 = 2

my sister and i were adopted together from korea.  she is three years younger than me, and ever since i've been reminded of that fact.  my whole world HAD to revolve around the fact that she was the only blood relative i had in the world, and even when she offended and abused me (which happened daily, sometimes several times a day) our adopted mother told me i had to be the 'big sister' and forgive her.  not surprisingly, my sister and i did not have a good relationship (and still do not to this day).  and, in my moments of anger and resentment, i've often pondered if we are actually genetically related.  

doubting this 'fact' has become more frequent since i've learned about some of the abhorrent practices of adoption agencies.  our adopted mother told us countless times that she specifically requested 'older siblings', because she wanted two kids (and didn't want to have to change diapers...).  so, if i were an adoption agency and i got a request for two related kids, what would i do?  well, i'd like to think i'd actually look for real siblings, but what if i didn't have any in stock?  hmmm....let me think...let me think...i've got a bunch of korean kids. asian kids look alike.  and they look even more alike to white people...i know!  i'll put two together, tell them they're sisters (and if they say otherwise - not that they could because they don't speak any english - they'd be sent back to the horrible orphanage) and send them on their way!  cha-ching!!!

i shared my theory with friends and family throughout the years, and not surprisingly every single one of them told me i had no reason to question it.  besides, would i really want to lose the one blood relative i had in the world to a genetic test? 

um, MAYBE!!!  

well, if you've ever met my sister, i'm really very sorry.  and, if you haven't, you should feel very VERY lucky.  

she is the most selfish and the most cruel person i've ever met.  yes, i'm biased, but trust me!!! 

based on our very different personalities and values, i would never guess we're sisters...

anyway, the most compelling argument for not doubting our relationship has been the fact that i was older and theoretically i would have known if she was my sister or not.  so, i bought that argument for a long time.  family even told me i treated her just like my little sister...

fast forward - i took a korean language class 6 years ago as an attempt to learn a bit about the culture i was once a part of.  

i quickly learned that i was not 'compatible' with korean culture as i had successfully become an outspoken, gregarious american.  

apparently, korean girls are more soft spoken.  

i also learned that in korea, people see their fellow citizens as family.  so, you might call your male waiter 'uncle' or a salesgirl 'sister' or an older woman 'grandma'.  

it wasn't until tonight that i thought, 'maybe i called her my sister because it was culturally appropriate!'  

anyway, i like this new theory and at my next opportunity i'm going to get a sample from my sister (probably hair as i'll have to do this undercover...) and get a little dna testing done!

common sense for most...

i just finished reading 'the last lecture' by randy pausch.  it serves as a way for pausch to leave a sort of legacy and life guidelines for his three small children.  much of the book lends great no-nonsense common sense advice like: 'tell the truth' and 'never give up' and 'dream big'.  

no piece of advice struck me as hard as one he wrote on the subject of parenting.  he writes, 'i also think my dad would be reminding me that kids-more than anything else-need to know their parents love them'.  

as an adoptee, i know my adoptive mother loves me - at least as much as she is able...but what about my birth parents?  did they ever love me?  i will never know.

i have read that the first two years in a child's life are the most impressionable.  i like to think that since i was adopted as an older child (almost 5) that my first two years were spent with my biological family (who of course in my fantasy memory loved me as much as any other child is loved), but because i was so young i have no memory at all of my life before adoption.  how does one live without knowing if they were welcomed into the world with love?  

there is a good chance that i was truly loved as a young child, but i don't know that for sure.  there's also a good chance i spent the first few years of my life in an orphanage...

this line from pausch's book has stayed with me for the last couple weeks.  i'm trying my best not to dwell on it.