i've heard it's normal to go through a transitional period where you reflect on the passing of your life as a single person as you enter life as a 'married'. i've gained a whole new family, one i was able to choose and not one that was chosen for me. so what did i choose?
for several months before and after our wedding i dreamt repeatedly about an ex.
he is korean.
he speaks korean, eats korean food, celebrates korean holidays.
he is korean.
we dated for almost four years on and off in college.
he made me laugh with an overly corny sense of humor.
he made me feel truly beautiful for the first time in my life.
he wanted me to follow my heart and declare a 'fluffy' major i loved and not some sensible one my mother forced on me.
he made me feel my life was full of wonderful possibilities.
he wrote me love letters and bought me flowers.
he danced with me and wasn't afraid of looking foolish with his 80's moves and lack of rhythm.
in so many ways he was perfect, but now i realize he was 'imperfect' for me in one way.
he is korean.
i loved him and our relationship, but i didn't love our innate differences. from the outside we looked like a 'perfect couple', both young and in love, both with big dreams, studying together, hanging out with friends on the weekends. but, there was something big keeping us apart. he was 'korean korean', his parents wanted him to marry a 'korean korean', and i only looked korean.
we spent long nights 'discussing' his family and our future, but in the end, i was the one who pushed him away. he told me he wanted to marry me. he had our life planned out. i would coupon clip and work our way through his years in medical school. then, he would work and i would stay at home with the kids. we would be happy despite his parent's potential and likely permanent disapproval. but i wasn't content to be an 'outsider' to his family or to make him an 'outsider' with me. i could never live like that or push on someone i love. i yearned for in-laws who would love me and accept me the way my adopted family never could. we were happy and in love but somehow that wasn't enough. i needed his family to accept and love me too.
i catch myself wondering 'what if' i married him. my life would be so different. maybe his parents would have learned to love me. maybe they could have looked past our cultural differences and seen the love their son and i had for each other. maybe i would have enjoyed learning about my lost korean heritage from my new family. but maybe not. i will never know because i was too scared to try.
and now i find myself struggling to find where i fit in this world. i love living in the culturally diverse bay area where i comfortably blend into the background. but if anyone does more than look, it becomes instantly obvious how un-asian, how un-korean i actually am and then i instantly stick out. i look asian but i'm not asian. to fill in the asian american bubble on questionnaires feels like a lie, but filling the caucasian bubble doesn't feel right either so i find myself choosing 'other' which somehow feels wrong too.
maybe choosing a life with this korean man would have been like filling in the 'asian american' bubble and choosing to be something i knew i wasn't. and maybe that scared me more than his parents rejection. there will always be a place in my heart for that korean man but maybe that chance to really experience my lost culture is what i am really mourning now.....
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