'its all about the love!'

upon learning of our co-worker's newly adopted 2-year old son, a server at work gushed at how happy he is for the new parents.  he went on and on about how great a father our coworker would be and how all it takes is love to be a great parent.  

'it's all about the love!' he proclaimed.  'nothing else matters! not color or culture or anything!'

it takes much more than just love to raise an adopted child successfully.  

i'll bet he has no idea the struggles that little boy will have to face and endure throughout his lifetime.  

i wanted him to know it would take much more than love - that love is not nearly enough.  

he went on to say how scary it is for adoptive parents as there are so many laws protecting birth parents.  that the parents could come back a few years later and decide they want their kid back just like that.  

i may be wrong, but wouldn't any decent person agree a child is better off with his biological family (as long as there is no abuse, etc.?).  sure it might be heartbreaking for the child and the adoptive parents if they've created a bond but wasn't it heartbreaking for the child when s/he was first put up for adoption???  and wouldn't it ultimately be better to try and mend that heartbreak?  

my answer is a resounding YES.  

personally, if my birth parents came looking for me three years after i was adopted, sure i might have cried when i left my a-parent's home but as an adult, there is no doubt in my mind or heart that it would have been immeasurably better for my mental health, social development, and self-esteem to be raised by people who shared my culture, physical characteristics, and language...but that's just me...

i wanted to smack him, tell him to stop being so selfish and narrow minded and to think for once of the child!  

i was enraged but couldn't find the words so i went back to work.  

i can't help but think how many other people must view adoption in this way.  i'm not against people celebrating adopting a child; i just want them to be sensitive and educated about what they are 'getting into' and to be open to idea it might not be all 'sunshine and daisies'...

what disappoints me more than this is my inability to express my concerns and advocate for that little boy.  why couldn't i?  my silence doesn't help him or any other adoptee.

i was raised by a family in a society that told me to be a grateful adoptee, in a society that is very hush hush and/or uneducated about the emotional difficulties surrounding the adopted child, in a society that has more support groups for newly adoptive parents than adopted children.  i've been guilted into silence - if i ever said anything as a child, all eyes in the room would say, 'shame on you for being so ungrateful!'  my comment or concern would go unaddressed.  i was not heard - just seen as an adopted child with 'issues' acting out.  maybe that's why i couldn't say anything.  i wanted to be taken seriously, wanted to be heard, but i was afraid my co-workers would see me merely as an adoptee with 'issues'...maybe one day i will be brave enough to find my words...