maybe it was the neuroblastoma...

one of the things i struggle with is the fact that i have no memory of my life before the age of 5 years.  okay, i do have one memory.  it's of standing in a wide open 'shower' while someone poured ice cold buckets of water over my head.  i don't know if this is true or a figment of my imagination, but it seems to me a kid might remember a thing like that.

the other thing that bothers me greatly is not having a family health history to draw upon. sure, it makes filling out paperwork at the doctor's office much faster, but it would be nice to know if my family has a history of breast cancer or heart disease or mental illness or...

for christmas, my husband ordered a genetic testing kit for me.  for most people, this sort of gift might seem strange (unless you were really into genetics or had some extra money lying around and just wanted to know - these kits aren't cheap...).  but, for me it's an opportunity to peek into my possible past/family history and future with 79 test results.

anyway, i just got my results back and it turns out i have a gene marker that says i am at increased risk for neuroblastoma, a rare but curable cancer mostly found in children under the age of 5 years.  

when i was adopted, i had very little hair.  i had stubble.  my adopted parents told me they shaved all the kid's heads to prevent the spread of lice.  that's what the orphanage told them. over the last few years, i've met several adoptees who were adopted at an older age (e.g. old enough to have hair) through the same adoption agency.  none of them had shaved heads.  my little sister, who was adopted at the same time didn't have a shaved head either.  i had accepted the lice explanation my whole life, but after reading about neuroblastoma, my mind has opened to the possibility of cancer.

if i think about it, it's plausible.  my parents couldn't afford to pay for medical treatment, so they put me in an orphanage where they knew i might have a better chance of survival.  my adopted mother told me just a couple years ago there was a church in the south (in the states) that sponsored my sister and i, sending money, clothes, etc.  maybe this money went to pay for medical treatment!??!  and, the reason i wouldn't know about the cancer was because kids with a history of cancer are not adoptable, but kids with curable cancer who've been treated are (just don't tell anyone - what would be the point?  besides, i've heard too many stories of adoption agencies lying about the age, health, etc. of a child just to sell them faster - um, i mean adopt them out to lovely families...).  

the last piece of the puzzle that fits is that my medical report from the orphanage states that i had 'old scars'.  i still have them.  it makes me sad every time i see them, not knowing where they came from, not having a mother who can tell me the story of how i got them.

anyway, i know the chances of my cancer story being true are pretty slim, but i suppose that's the point.  anything could have happened.  something as simple as losing my mother in a busy marketplace.  or something as complicated as cancer.  i live every day with the history of the first five years of my life in my body.  i know i carry memories of those years somewhere - it kills me that i can't find them... 

the 'good' news is that i have the 'long life' gene and a marker that puts me at substantially lower risk for developing bipolar disorder.  my chances of living to 100 years is higher than the average person, so chances are good i have a lot of history yet to write in this body of mine and a sane mind to remember with.