searching

i have been grappling with the idea of starting a formal birth parent search for several years.  i know i've always wanted to find them, but something has kept me from looking - probably fear. fear of finding a truth i don't want to know, fear of being rejected by them, fear of not having anything in common with them, fear of discovering i don't have the support system i need to get through it all.

this whole 'dealing with my status as a korean adoptee' has been completely overwhelming.  i don't know if this is true for other adoptees, but i feel like i can only deal with my issues for short periods of time because it would be too much to take on all at once - like a damn holding back a raging river.  if you open it all at once, all the potential energy in the river could have devastating effects on the nearby land.  but, if you open it just a little and slowly let the water flow through, it will be okay.  

only i can't seem to find that 'open just a little' switch.  

i have only two switches - open and closed.  

i open the dam and find myself drowning and when i can't take anymore, i close it up until i've recovered enough to open it once more.  

anyway, i know i have a lot of water yet to let through the dam but lately the waters seem to have changed a little.  i feel stronger somehow and think i'm finally ready to start my search.