"you have to know the past to understand the present" - dr. carl sagan

 the merriam-webster dictionary defines survivor as:

1.  to remain alive or in existence : live on

2.  to continue to function or prosper

3.  to continue to exist or live after...

4.  to continue to prosper or live despite...

over the years, people have told me repeatedly that i am a 'survivor', that i'm stronger than i think, that my life has meaning and purpose (or else i'd be dead or still living in korea - as if my life wouldn't have purpose or meaning if i wasn't adopted...this pisses me off more than anything, but that's another post altogether).

so, i guess i am a survivor according to (at least) definitions 1 and 2.  

i am alive.  

i exist.  

i function. 

but what about 3 and 4?  

i exist and live after/despite the traumatic experience of being transnationally/culturally/racially adopted.  but i have no knowledge of the circumstances of that adoption.  

i've read several scientifically based reports that support the idea that our minds protect ourselves from trauma - that our minds will effectively hide the truth from us so that we will not remember a traumatic event at all or will only remember portions (e.g. childhood abuse, rape, etc.) because if we did remember all the gory details, we wouldn't be able to cope (or survive).  the fact that i can't remember anything about the first five years of my life fascinates me.  ive read that other adoptees have no memories of their lives prior to adoption, even those who were adopted at an older age - 7, 8, or even 9 years old.  was it all so traumatic that our memories have been wiped clean?  

so, since i am a survivor of adoption, what is my prognosis for healing?  if i don't exactly know what is inflicting my pain, how can i effectively get better?  if my parents abandoned me, then i'd be dealing with abandonment issues.  but what if they died? then i'd be dealing with grief.  

and, since they are for all intents and purposes 'dead' to me, aren't i dealing with grief regardless??  and, what if i was 'sold' - really sold like so many children trafficked around the world, then i'd be dealing with a whole other set of trauma.  there is an abyss of possibilities. 

i guess my point is, since i have no way of really knowing specifically what it is i'm a survivor of, i'm at a loss of how to focus my healing and so i find myself exploring any and all possibilities. it's probably not the healthiest thing to do, but if a man were rolled into an e.r., only able to tell the nurses and doctors that he was in pain with no visual injuries, and he couldn't remember anything about how he got there or even his medical history, the e.r. staff would have to run a battery of tests to see what was going on inside.  right?  in a similar way, i suppose i'm running those tests/trying to treat possible ailments as best i can, though my test results are inconclusive.  if only i could go to an e.r., if only my pain, my diagnosis could be so cut and dry...

i want to know my past.  

i want to understand the present.  

i am not clinging to my past, just trying to know it.  it's a basic human right, no? 

i want to know my date of birth.  

i want to know who i was born to. 

i want to know where i was born.  

i want to know the name given to me at birth.

i want to know if my family loved me.  

i want to know how it was i came to live halfway around the world from where i started life.  

i want to know the things (i cannot remember) that contributed to the person i am today.  

is that too much to ask?